One of my favorite quotes from Dr. Phil:
"Relationships are built with history and time.
They're not just assigned."
One of the things I've had to learn the hard way is to look to past behaviors and take them seriously. Whether it comes to myself, or my spouse, or my children, or other people - I HAVE to take a real look at the facts instead of dreamily hoping that the future will just eventually "work itself out."
Women like to help and fix people. Women care. Women are nurturers. For me, one of my biggest strengths has been believing the best about people until proven otherwise. But that has also been my
biggest weakness and my greatest downfall. Trusting people unconditionally is not wise, unless they have a proven track-record to back it up. But even then, it's always conditional. Trust IS conditional.
"The wise man forsees the evil and hides himself, but the simple pass on and are punished." Now, we can't be expected to become fortune tellers, to literally "see the future". I don't believe that's what this Proverb is saying at all. Common sense tells me that the best predictor of the future is the past. I've been to real estate classes, where there are graphs shown, covering the past 10 years of house sales. The lines move up and down, and are used to calculate the next 10 years. That's how real estate investors make money. This is how true "success" is achieved. And I believe this TOTALLY APPLIES TO RELATIONSHIPS.
As I willingly and humbly look back on my own behavior, choices, and my current situation, I can see patterns that either led to success or failure. I have the opportunity to adjust those behaviors and choices to alter outcomes for greater success and less failure in the future.
But when it comes to other people, I have no control over their decisions, their success, or their failures. If I assume that things will "just get better" when relationships are in the ditch, I am being naïve and irresponsible. For instance, promises of change from a cheating spouse don't mean anything without calculated and committed effort. If there are not significant and consistent changes, then there will not be different results. Believing the best can actually be foolish rather than honorable.
If I open my eyes to the success and failures of others, I can identify with some accuracy - the behaviors and choices that produced their results. This is how counselors work.
WHEN WORKING ON RESTORING BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS, there has to be an acknowledgement that it will take time and a proven track-record of consistent and positive behavior in order to create a predictable, healthy dynamic. We can't just wake up one day and decide: "This relationship is going to be good from now on." Relationships are always 2-sided. It takes both individuals doing their part. It takes 2 hearts that operate in truth and integrity.
With time, relationships can be fixed or restored. Marriages, parent-child relationships, and all others are a product of history. Wasting time hoping the future gets better can distract from creating the real foundation of relationships. Being starry-eyed and idealistic about life can give motivation to achieve and move forward, but it should never be the source of predicting the outcome of a relationship dynamic. Real prediction-worthy data lies in the past.
I want to be positive. But I will also be responsible.
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