For years I would choose recipes, write out ingredient/shopping lists, and stop at all the cheapest stores...often with my children. This was especially difficult when I had a 2 year old, a 1 year old, and a newborn in a carry-car-seat. I needed a whole extra cart JUST to hold my children so they didn't run off or get underfoot in the stores. We'd typically stop at Aldi, Wal-Mart, and Dillons or some other place that had a deal or coupon I needed to get it on. If you're counting with me...that's 24 times buckling and unbuckling children. Not to mention how many times I had to lift kids in and out of carts, load and unload groceries, stop at the bathroom, etc.
Every time, I would feel guilty for ONLY being able to grocery shop, and then plopping onto the couch feeling burnt out for the rest of the day. Plus...I'd feel guilty for always going over budget with a few things "for me" because I felt like I deserved it after all that!
It never even crossed my mind to decide, "This is unreasonable. I'm not doing it. Let's find another way." I just recklessly pushed ahead, because I believed that it was expected of me.
Why didn't I just ask someone to come with me, or watch my kids for me? Because my mind was so closed to anything different. And I'll be honest. Every other mom in my circle seemed to be doing just fine, so I had to measure up. I had already decided that I deserved the way things were, and that I was selfish to try to make anything easier or better for myself. In my mind, being discontent with how hard my life was meant that I was ungrateful and didn't appreciate my babies or the life God had given me. I didn't believe that I needed to find a better option, or help. I believed that I needed to simply find a way to endure it. Asking questions or seeking something easier equaled defiance against God. Yes, I was super-religious about EVERYTHING. LOL!
BEFORE AND AFTER...
Years later, I no longer have a cartload of babies everywhere I go, but I remember how tired and helpless I felt. It took a lot of ridiculous, extreme situations like that for me to wake up and realize that I didn't have to do it all in order to be good enough. I didn't have to prove how much I could handle...to anyone! But I didn't understand that. I do now.
I'll never forget the 1st time I drove into the Wal-Mart grocery pick-up area. All I'd done was clicked the products on my laptop (on the website) as I jotted down a short list of meals, while drinking my coffee that morning. A lady came out with my bagged, paid for groceries AND loaded it into my trunk for me. Done.
I was almost traumatized by the ease and speed I had just experienced. And it was free. Plus...I'd stayed under budget. So I had an epiphany. If it's this easy, what was I thinking before? Why did I not look around or reach out for something like this?
Grocery shopping was always for THEM. It was never for ME. It was my duty to my family. My whole mindset changed that day. I realized that it's completely reasonable and attainable to search for ways to make things easier for myself. In fact, I deserve it. I started thinking about ME! I started asking myself what I really wanted to eat, what's a healthier option, and who else might even be able to pick it up for me, unload it, and put it all away. I probably spend about a tenth of the effort now that I used to. And most importantly...I DON'T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT.
One other thing...I NEVER GROCERY SHOP WITH MY CHILDREN. (you know...unless it's a special occasion or we're just grabbing some dog food & a snow cone) There is no need to walk up and down the aisles of stores, with cranky kids, while trying to find 100 items, and remember how much money I'm spending. That's for OCD over-achievers.
Who was that crazy woman back then anyways? Giggles.
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